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Animal Magnetism |
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by Richard Thomas
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2:06 |
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It started out with the elephant penis and went downhill from there. I can’t really blame my exuberant bi-sexual girlfriend for what happened. And I’ll give some credit to the doctor for his part. But really, it was all me. And once you’ve got an elephant penis...well, you know the saying.
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As usual, as we lay in bed drenched in sweat, she complained.
“Is that all you’ve got? I didn’t even get close. But I do appreciate the effort.”
“Gretchen, what do you want from me?”
“A bigger schlong maybe?”
“Sure, I’ll just go down to Dr. Everything Will Be Alright’s office tomorrow and get an elephant penis grafted on and donate the tiny mouse weiner I have to science.”
She stood up. “Call me when you get that done, Dumbo.”
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You wouldn’t believe the stuff you’ll find when you google elephant penis. Seriously, try it some time. Make sure it’s on an empty stomach. Finally, the middle of the night, and there it was - surgery, elephant penis. Dr.Wang. I booked an appointment the next day.
Once the swelling went down I was able to wear pants again, but that took a couple of days. Not that I minded the Mumus, really, kind of freeing. I called her. She came right over. Once the shock wore off, she was into it. She made an appointment the next day.
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That lead to an anteater’s tongue for me to go with the whale’s...well, I can’t even say it. For her. We stopped going outside. Did you know that most cats have eight nipples? She’s part Siberian Tiger now.
When the delivery guy shows up we just shove the credit card under the door. They usually shove it back. Pizza is easier with walrus tusks then Thai food, but with her gorilla lips anything but soup is ok. I don’t know what the neighbors thought, but I just turned up Animal
Planet real loud. We had some stuff Tivo’d. Don’t ask me why.
When Wang showed up we had become invalids. But he knew it was coming. He’d put it all together. He had a client in Asia who needed a show. We were that show, and it paid top dollar. And the funny thing? You can’t run with four flippers. And the humps definitely slow you down.
Richard Thomas graduated from Bradley University in 1990 with a BS in Advertising (redundant, I know) and minor in Psychology. He has spent the last 12 years as a freelance art director, writing two novels on the side, neither of which have been published yet. Did get an offer on one, though. He has recently finished worshops with Craig Clevenger and Monica Drake. He lives in the northwest suburbs of Chicago.
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