Thank you! I am so grateful to have you receive my application of intent to become a growth asset at your company, organization or institution. Let me now introduce myself as your Next Great Employee.

I am a business chameleon, commonly referred to as a jack-of-all-trades. I never have to think outside the box. I once took an informal personality test in which I was asked to picture a cube in the desert. My cube was made of transparent glass. Then it disintegrated. Conclusion: To me, there is no box.

A lot of people tell their prospective bosses they're going to "raise the bar." That sounds too simple. I'm going to confuse the bar. I'm going to keep the bar on its toes. I will raise it, twirl it, chop it in half, glue it back together, and do pull ups on it. I would be honored to apply for a variety of positions at your company. Specifically, I am seeking something amazing, preferably a job that would really wow them at my high school
reunion. Barring any such openings, I would be happy to serve as assistant to the person doing something amazing, or assistant to the assistant. Openings in a fascinating department would also be taken under serious consideration.

Undoubtedly you have a list of qualifications you are looking for in an employee. Due to my years as a matriculating master’s candidate, I am unlikely to satisfy these qualifications. While you were assessing employees' Excel and Access proficiency, I was studying Lacan. Do not let this deter you. The first mistake of business is failure of imagination.

If you insist on reading my attached resume, you are going to have to read between the lines. Yes, you may notice that the period from January of 2006 to March of 2007 is unaccounted for. Feel free to come to your own conclusions regarding this time frame. However, here are some possibilities to mull over: I may have been on a covert, government-financed education mission to Indonesia, sort of like Peace Corps, except shorter and more secretive. Or was I studying French cuisine at the Culinary Institute of America? Perhaps my ambitious foray into gourmet cooking simply did not fit the resume aesthetic.

In any case, I most certainly was not living rent-free in my significant other’s apartment, scraping together savings for a Last-Chance-Spring-Break plane ticket. Unless of course you find world travel ambitions commendable. In which case I highly recommend the beaches of Goa and Phuket.

Book-ending the Lost Months, I held positions that might not suggest a vertical career track. This does not reflect contraction of my responsibilities but rather organizational naming protocols. My first position offered title authorship in lieu of health insurance. I named myself 'Managing Executive Director Vice President.' At my next corporate engagement, they preferred 'Intern' over any of my suggested titles.

I am skilled with computers and highly proficient with the following software applications: Microsoft Word 2007, Microsoft Word 2003, Microsoft Word ‘97. Regarding Microsoft Word XP, I am proficiently progressing. I also have outdated lifeguard certification and once applied for a license to operate a tractor. (I thought the ID would be an interesting conversation piece.) Documentation of former and latter available upon request.

I have not read Who Moved My Cheese?, but I have analyzed the title at length. I have installed a GPS tracking device on my cheese and know where it is at all times. I can also integrate the phrase “tipping point” into most conversations. I use air quotes liberally.

Please note that my strong work ethic is complemented by my well-rounded interests. I can recite at least one Langston Hughes poem in sign language. I have strong command of certain nouns, adjectives and adverbs in German, French, Spanish and Japanese. I love to travel and have been to Puerto Rico five times!

Thanks for your time and consideration. Let me reiterate that I am a go-getter, a team player, a leader of the pack and a lap dog. When you hire me, you hire success! I am available for a 30-minute interview this Thursday. I do not own a suit but I trust you will respect my “honest” attire.

Sincerely,

Your Next Great Employee

YNGE_23407@gmail.com
I am between iPhone generations.
My address is transitional.

P.S. On second thought, I have decided not to attach my resume. I believe I have "whet your
appetite" enough. Look forward to hearing from you!